What is abuse?

Abuse is always a heavy topic to discuss and share with in the open, but I think it is important for everyone to be aware. It seems though I became one of those people that thought that as long as there was no physical abuse things were okay. What I realized over time is that mental and verbal abuse are two very real things that can slowly wear down a person, turning the into a shell of themselves.

I lived with many different things that aren’t important to go into detail here, but in the end my life was fear. Fear of what would happen if I wasn’t home I time, would I be screamed at or ignored. Fear of not having dinner ready because I wouldn’t be living up to someone else’s expectations as a mind reader and would be treated like I was stupid.

The worst is when they find out what really bugs you because they can use that against you. The worst for me is being ignored or not being heard. Imagine what it feels like to be sitting across from someone and trying to talk to them, knowing they can hear you but they look right through you because they are angry or they want you to feel bad and instead of not removing themselves from the situation, they choose to be cruel.

It got to the point that I judged my self worth on whether I could make them happy or make it a month or two without him exploding. I lost myself. I made excuses for the behaviour, which isn’t right. 

I think what it really came down to is someone else’s expectations projected onto myself and not meeting those expectations because they weren’t happy with themselves so they relied on other people for happiness. As most people know, relying on someone else for your happiness is bound to backfire, first you have to make yourself happy. 

I am thankful I experienced what I did because now I know for sure what I will not accept and I am much stronger with my communication about what I want. The hardest thing for me is that I was terrified people would judge me me in some way. I was scared to tell my family and friends. Near the end I realized that I have a huge support network and am not alone. 

Verbal and mental abuse at any level is unacceptable and it can do just as much damage as physical abuse. Words, screaming, cruelty, they all can wear a person down and destroy them mentally. What happens when a person is pushed too far, what is next? Living in the fear of the person who is suppose to care for you is not a life, it is a slow silent death.

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