The only thing I can do right now is think about all the events and moments that led me to sitting in my car writing this. The past number of days have been filled with feelings of being happy, sad, guilty, joyful, excited, plus a little anxious thrown in for good measure. These feelings are sometimes separated by hours. Sometimes a couple happen together, or on the days when things seem a bit too much, all of them happen at the same time.
As much as I try to stay positive, I feel like there is a path of destruction that I leave behind. Rationally I know this isn’t the case. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions or reactions, I get it. In the past maybe I never clearly explained my reasons for doing something and that caused turmoil in relationships. Perhaps I didn’t speak up because I felt what I was going through wasn’t important. I do know for sure I never asked for help in the past or allowed myself to be vulnerable. Throw trust into the mix, there wasn’t any, I only trusted myself and even that was only on a good day.
Somewhere in the mix I lost the real me or maybe never fully discovered the real me. Parts of me I hid away because I didn’t want people to think I was weird. I kept quiet because it felt like no one understood what I talked about. I adapted to what I thought I had to be for others.
Fast forward to the present, me sitting in my car and thinking about how I have changed.
Can I be vulnerable? Yes. Most people close to me may only see a tiny slice of that vulnerability, maybe bit more if they are really close. Only one person has seen me at my most vulnerable and continues to see my vulnerability. I have learned to push through barriers and open myself up, because I want to share myself this way.
Have I learned to trust others? Some people definitely. Trust fully? That is a struggle. Between old abandonment issues and being hurt, the scars add up. That is definitely an issue I own, as there are people in my life that I know can trust. It is difficult still. There is one person I trust fully and that is a huge step for me.
Do I ask for help now? Yes. The past couple of years have taught me that I have people that are there for me. I am able to reach out when I am struggling.
Do I know the real me now? Yes and I continue to learn about myself all the time. I caught glimpses of the real me in the past, but now I know. The hardest part about learning this is relationships can crumble. Friendships, romantic relationships, both can end. Sometimes people can’t handle when you aren’t being the person they want you to be or thought you were. On the other hand, people enter your life and they see the real you and love you for it. It is an indescribable feeling.
So a mix of emotions all at once is happening at this point in my life. I will take the good with the bad, because I have a pretty good idea of where my future is headed and it is worth this journey. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but sometimes in learning about yourself, the hurt happens. This is all part of my journey.
Adairmoon 